Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Start your engines

The following takes place when an unsuspecting, and extraordinarily lazy, person sits down at a computer to write and essay, but instead finds himself trapped in a downward spiral of self-destruction. It can happen to the best of us, and many a good student has been lost to this horrible fate.
This tragic comedy begins with a simple double click on your preferred browser for the month, which brings you to your chosen homepage (for the month). After checking out the all the odd and irrelevant stories on Yahoo –who would’ve ever thought that McDonalds would be on the top ten worst places to eat list- you go over to Facebook in to sink your teeth into some “real” news. After learning all about what so-and-so’s asshole boss at her new job in the mall said, which is followed an hour later, upon getting off, by just how exhausted she is although she still has 5 hours of homework left to do. The next stop is your e-mail, where you read and perhaps reply to a few messages. But lets keep it real; you’re not the CEO of a company, and outside of electronic bank statements and sales alerts from Jos. A. Bank, you rarely get real e-mails anyways, so there's not really much to see here. Your Internet experience then turns to pleasure, and maybe you visit a website you like, shop for a new hoodie, or catch up on a popular forum or blog you follow (hopefully mine). Typically –not on Mr. Waters Opus of course- there's not much to see, and your broke, but in the sake of procrastination, you delve on. You remember by now that three of your four local teams played tonight, so over to ESPN you go to check some scores. At this point, after learning that all three teams lost in overtime by small margins, three realizations occur: 1) You have nothing more to look at or do on the Internet, but however, 2) You have absolutely no intention of logging off and getting down to business on the paper you should have been writing the whole time. Which leads to the thought that, 3) In the time it took you to check the other websites on your “must see” list, there’s a chance (more like a hope) that something new might have magically appeared on your homepage, so you race back over. Congratulations, you have now completed your first Internet lap, you’re officially a slacker. Just three more laps to go and you’ve just run the Internet mile! What happens next, and mind you that this is only after you’ve been running laps so long that your face is melting and your fingertips are callused, is you eventually catch on to the viscous cycle you’ve trapped yourself in and get so disgusted with yourself that you “rage quit” (thanks Andy!) the whole operation, thus effectively blowing off that essay that you should’ve been proof-reading by now. Coincidentally, is just so happens that the real reason your parents bought you that laptop was so you could write that essay, not so you could hone your dilly-dallying skills in preparation for the upcoming Annual Procrastinators Marathon (got to get those times down if you’re going to place this year, especially after that horrific showing last year…) So now not only are you failing English, but your also failing your parents. Bummer. But hey, at least you found a way to kill some free time, and since you just dropped out of school, that’s an invaluable skill.

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