Saturday, February 5, 2011

Results May Vary

Another minute. Another scam. Another commercial break, another so called reason you should drop everything and call another 800 number for another product that that’s far superior to any other before. Another infomercial, another exuberant, charismatic nut-job feverishly demonstrating the far reaches of what the product is capable of. Another test, another special offer, another price cut, another “you’d be crazy not to buy this!” And sadly enough, there's always another sheep willing to roll over and buy this garbage; even though, like every other “Perma-Sharp Knife,” “Miracle Weight Loss Pill” or “Super Absorbent Towel,” there is always a warning: Results may vary.
You might see this disguised as, “results not typical,” or “dramatization.” But they’re banking on the hope that your attention is more focused on the boldly scripted “THREE FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!” which is usually followed by the ludicrous idea that, “IT ACTUALLY PAYS FOR ITSELF!” All of that bullshit is designed to make sure you’re not reading the fine print, which as cliché as it may seem, most of us still don't do. But as always, written in the bottom of the screen (in 8 pt. font of course) is the warning “DO NOT EXPECT THESE RESULTS.” No… because I was under the impression that fat literally “falls off your body!”
I know its easy to get caught up in the idea that “this one must work” or “those tests couldn’t have been fabricated,” but the truth is that no it won’t and yes they can. But remember, these products aren’t intended for all of us. While the products themselves are designed in some two-bit lab somewhere, the people marketing them are no joke. And they are good at one what they do. They have been trained like Hyenas (and believe me they are laughing at us) to pick out the weak, and easily deceived among us; those who are constantly looking for quick and easy solutions to problems that take time and effort to solve. No one wants to spend time and money on things that seem like they should have an easy way around them, but most of us do. The sad part however, is that if even 1 out of 20 people fall for all the overstated and embellished nonsense that these companies spit out then the companies make millions. So I guess what im saying is just don't be that “one,” because I’m aware that no matter what I, or anyone else says, someone out there is frantically searching for the phone because they were just informed that they are going to get “not 1, but 2” non-stick pans for the low “expiring” price of $14.95 (turkey baster included). But look on the bright side, the car flashlight and easy-store portfolio were getting lonely is the junk drawer because you finally got around to throwing away your HD vision goggles and Fushigi Ball.
P.S. The Shake Weight is a topic of its own.

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